There are just things in life you have to accept and see them as what they are, rather than what you would like them to be. It is not always easy, or painless but regardless it has to be done. Unless you choose to live the delusion verses reality.

You can not make people be decent or moraled. They either are or they are not. It is that simple. You can however make the choice to tolerate it or not. You can live in the pit of negativity and be played the fool oh so easily when you are to close to a situation that you can not take the needed step back and honestly evaluate the truth in front of your face. If you are to close your judgment gets cloudy and making smart logical choices seems the last thing you are capable of.

When you base choices on raw emotion rather than fact you open yourself to bad judgment calls and unneeded suffering. As the saying goes, “Life is self induced suffering”. How very true that statement is. We all cause our own suffering and we feed into it by allowing others the right to lie, use and hurt us. “No one can harm you, unless you give them permission”. You have to allow that pain, that sorrow and despair. No one can make you do or say anything. It is all of choice. You control your actions or inactions in any situation.

You can become very blind to the truth, even with it slapping you dead in your face time and time again. It is far easier to live the lie than in the truth, If the lie is all you’ve known. When you can past the lie and see truth? You are thinking on a new level and are ready to evaluate and move on. It is not a state to be obtained, it is a way of being. Sometimes in order to accomplish this emotions have to be turned off and allow nothing but the logic and truth of it all to flow.

A lot of the time, I would say emotions are highly overrated and perfect weapons to be used against you. Then again some emotions are truly beautiful. Maybe it is not the “emotion” that is the issue. Maybe it is the people you allow access to your emotions that is the whole problem. I learned long ago, it is not people I hate. It is just more or less the disappointment in them that I dislike. I detest the mind games they play, the pain they dish out for sport and most of all the hidden agendas of most. Whatever happened to “Do what you say, and say what you mean”?

Hell we live in a twisted world where even simple truth seems in short demand. Where compassion is nothing more than a word most can not define. Where love is something uttered to appease the wounded just to hold on to them as a “Just in case”. It has lost its meaning along with many other words.words like respect, honor, courage and strength.

Sometimes I truly believe I do not at all fit into the world as it is now. Honestly? A huge part of me is glad that I don’t.

If only one person in a relationship seems to be the only one making an effort, can you really even call it a relationship at all? I just don't think so. If one person is sacraficing to always call and always be availibe to the other person, yet the other person is never putting forth any effort at all, just seems to me that the relationships means nothing to the other person. It seems it then becomes all one sided and you have to honestly evaluate if it is worth it anymore.
　
Yeah relationships can become stale and stuck so to speak sometimes. However when the other person suddenly goes from constant Emails to none, calls to none, you have to stop and question a lot. Even if they are saying "Oh I have a lot going on, I am stressed". It would still seem to me some effort could be attempted here.
　
If I can make the effort? to me there is zero excuse as to why the other person can not. It is the small things in any relationship that always seem to give the other person away when something is just no right.
　
"Actions speak louder than words", that is the truest statement you will ever hear. You can say, "I love you". all day long, but if your actions show the opposite? then the three words you so profess to be truth? No they are just empty words with no meanings. I do think sometimes people will tell you what they think you want to hear just to keep you as well. It is like they don't want or need you, but can't handle the thought of someone else having you. It might also just be there greed at wanting to have you as the "Just in case guy". The one that they never have a moment for, yet expects you to be waiting without fail for the tiny morsel of affection or attention they choose to toss at you. I am sorry none of that is fair, and it is damned sure not the way you treat someone you so profess to love and care for.
　
When you can no longer voice your concerns or feelings in any relationship? Yeah it is something you need to take a long hard look at. Makes you question just what the hell you are getting out of the so called relationship, if anything at all. If you can say, "I am alone", while being in a relationship? Yeah I would say you have a serious problem. Sadly all these things apply to me and the "Relationship" I have been in for a long time now. I am left sitting very alone, and evaluating just what the hell, if anything I get from it other than alone and feeling as if I am the only one in the relationship.
　
I am sick of being the one always making all the sacrifices and all the effort. Yet treated badly and tossed on a shelf for "Just in case". I am not some dog, I am a human being, a man that has never asked for much, but I do have feelings and needs as well. Although NONE have ever been taken into consideration here. It is flustering and there is only two ways around it all. I can either keep taking it? or leave it. Leaving it? I don't even think I can consider walking away from this relationship as "Leaving" seeing I am the only one in the relationship these days.

One of the hugest things I think I have to remember is that most people on this planet just honestly do NOT want the truth. They want sugar coated versions, or half truths and blatant lies. They find the truth is not something they can handle on any scale it seems. Fake is the thing to be these days, and saying how you REALLY feel? Oh no you can not do that. It just is something that you can not do without being judged and having it used against you.


When you are at your lowest it seems, that is when all the sudden everyone wants to point the finger at you and say the most ignorant shit ever spewed out of anyone's mouth! When your depressed they want to use the "Oh just cheer up" bullshit, as if it were just that easy. Yeah well it is not that easy and NO ONE can say they know how you fell because NO ONE does! And no one cares that is the cold hard truth of the matter. Do not allow yourself to be disillusioned into thinking for one damned moment anyone truly cares about you in this miserable life, because they don't!

I find I can not even truly express anything real in my MSN blog due to assumptions and people oh so worried about what other people will think or say. I am sick of that shit so bad. So I will post the foo foo bullshit there and the real here. The sad thing being? The person does not give a rats ass what I am going through. It is all about appearances and who they think sees it. So freaking sad!

I know beyond even my understanding that I am changing more and more each day now. In thinking and actions and in how I feel or not feel. I know what I am becoming is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life.

The pull I have felt so long in my life? I now understand. I know what it is that I have to do now for the first time ever in my life. My direction is clear and it always has been. I just distorted the path for most of my life, rather then listening to that little voice of truth that voiced itself ever so quietly without argument or challenge in my life. I just brushed it aside and chose to do things the hard way, by trying to slap logic on to it.

Once you wake up? You can not go back to sleep. You can not go back to how you were. You can fight it, and try to hold on but in the end? you have to allow yourself to trust and be vulnerable and allow it just to be as it is.

We spend our entire existence in this life trying to fill a empty void deep within ourselves with anything and everything we can just to avoid facing the void that is the true us. When you ask yourself, "Who am I"? The answer I have always gotten first try is, "I don't know who I am". I could say that I am all these labels that society or myself have given me, but no that is not who I am. When I stopped thinking in my head and looked deeper? I realized the "Me" I thought was there? Is not really there. No one is there. Everything I thought I was and am? Is nothing more than in my head. The real me? Is NO thing, NO one it is emptiness. It is nothing but "The One" pure spirit the unborn me. We delude ourselves when we try to perceive ourselves as anything but "The One". EVERYTHING IS THE ONE! Once you get beyond "SELF" and "EGO" you loose yourself and find yourself. Suddenly everything makes seance and it all falls in line and BAM life looks different, smells different and even tastes different. You no longer feel the need to validate yourself, you no longer fear.

In all honesty we all die many times everyday. When you for a brief moment you stop thinking about "yourself" or even when your sleeping you die in a seance. After the "Self" is the imaginary thing you have made in your mind to define who and what you are. When you totally let go and surrender yourself to your infinite self? It is a death, and a rebirth into the real you, the unborn nature within you.

It is a lot to consider and think about. In the end? you will find a existence that is the most amazing thing you have ever experienced in your life with crystal clarity and confidence.

I think right now the hardest struggle I am having is with the whole, "Allow things to be whatever it is they are", The art of acceptance. It comes down to that true statement, "I have no control or people, places or things".

All of that I can understand and relate to, but I can not help but wish so many things in my life were different. Like any other human being I have made bad choices and good ones in my life. The bad one's come back to bite you in the ass, but that's life and how it is suppose to be. The good one's I would like to think they were to the good and made a difference in some small way. Again I can not help but wonder with all this said and done as to why my life seems to be so empty and stagnate. I look around and I know there is so much more to this life than what I am doing or what I have. I am not talking possessions here, I am talking about relationships and having someone to care for.

Maybe it is my own fault, maybe this really is how my life is suppose to be. Just alone, and being happy with what I do have and not worrying about what I do not have. Material things honestly have never ment a lot to me, in the end there hollow. Maybe I just am sick of being alone, who knows. Then again? maybe I am just accepting how things are. Just allowing things to be what they be. After all? honestly what choice do I or anyone really have in this life. Nothing has any permanence, everything goes away eventually. At this point I am not even sure what my chain of thought here really is.

I guess it is just once, I wish I had someone to. It is not me feeling sorry for myself, I do not and never will. Maybe some people are just unlovable and that is just how it is. Who am I to question anything really. I am just a stupid guy trying to find his way though life like everyone else on this planet. We all have ups and downs. Some of us it seems more downs than ups, but hey at least I can feel something rather than nothing at all.

Who knows what this next year will bring, or not bring. Nothing is promised to any of us, its a mystery as life should be.

Many people would tell you that having depression is a bad thing, but is it really? I find it sometimes it clears away all the clutter that keeps you from seeing things as they really are usually. It opens you up to how things really are, and strips away all the layers or pretty to get to the cold hard truths we fight so hard it seems to hide. Almost a reflective state of absolute truth.

One absolute truth you will fast learn about depression, is that no one really wants you around when you are in that state of depression. Or you get the ever popular, "Cheer up" comment. If "cheering up" was the simple solution to depression? No one would be depressed now would they? To me that is like telling someone with say cancer, "Oh get rid of that cancer and get over it". You would never say that to someone with cancer! So why would you be so willing to tell someone with depression to, "Just cheer up"? It is not logical now is it? NO it is not!

When people tell me, "Just cheer up"? it just makes me want to stay away from them. In the end it just makes me feel worse than I already do. Like I am even more defective, because I can not manage to "Simply cheer up" as they say. It does not help me in the least to be told that, or for people that I thought I had affinity with to act as if it is just a burden to be around me. Actually it hurts a lot, and that to just makes it worse for me. After all, if the people who so profess to love you can not handle or want to be around you when depressed? What does that really say? It makes me feel as if I am nothing but some burden they feel they have to endure to appease me, not because they truly care for or about me at all.

If this all makes me this burden, then honestly what is the point? It makes me question many things, and none of the answers are pretty. Then again, life is not always pretty or wrapped in foiled paper all neat and tidy. Life is messy, it is not always clear and clean. No one can be happy all the time, no one is sad all the time. Being human we have a wide range of emotions and not all of them are so easily controlled. They tend to come as they please, sometimes with no warning or reason at all. The just are what they are. They are not right or wrong.

I think one day you just wake the hell up and realize you just alone, and that is how it is. You start to just accept that nothing ever really changes and that people tend to always stay the same. You stop trying and accept the flavor of life and just try to make the best of what it is you have. You give up the foolish hopes and dreams and just try to live your life the best you can.

Hell in the end? We all end up alone anyway, that is just a cold hard fact of this life. You can live in denial or disillusioned all you want, but in the end it will slap you dead in your face like it or not. You just hurt yourself by thinking any differently. Reality is reality like it or not, it just is what it is. You just have to suck it up and deal like every other person on the planet.

Personally? I am sick of deluding myself into thinking people care, because they so don't and never will. You are all you have in this life, accept that fact and move on not a lot you can do. As they say, "Life sucks, then you die". Welcome to the real world enjoy your stay.

Although in theory our passage from the relationships of childhood to those of adulthood hood should be seamless, in practice this can be one of the most stressful transitions of our lives. Often protected from loneliness as children, we are conditioned to believe that finding a partner and having a family are the norms in life. So, in adolescence or adulthood, we strive for these "goals", hurt ourselves for them, and fear loneliness to such an extent that we often remove ourselves far from the rewards of both solitude and self-defeatingly. of love. By trying to hard, we fail to achieve the desired vision.

Solitary pleasures are often those most keenly felt. Unless we can relax alone for days at a time, we are missing a special experience that we should all be able to enjoy regardless of whether or not we are in a relationship. We might be seeking a partner in life, but it is philosophically and spiritual unsound to accept that this unfinished quest should be a cause for anxiety : we must trust in the future, and concentrate in the meantime on pursuing our own interests, allowing our personalities to grow. Anxiety about prospects of finding love or for that matter friendship, will almost inevitably erode our chances for success.

In the typical Hollywood movie, the most attractive character is frequently the least needy, the one who finds love because he or she has not expected it or connived at it. The idea may be accurately projected into real life : a self-contained personality, calm and purposeful, is the most powerful magnet.

Imagine that your inner self is a flower. In order to protect your flower from hurt that you may once have known, you place it inside a steel case. Starved of light, water and nutrients, and locked up unwittingly with all the negative emotions of past experiences, your flower soon loses its appeal. If you can set free that negativity by an effort of self-belief based on self-knowledge, your flower will blossom again in the sunlight. Before long, it will be rich in color, with a captivating fragrance, each petal soft to the touch. The beauty of the inner self, similarly , will radiate through your smile, your eyes, your mannerisms, in countless captivating ways. If there is no peace in solitude, there can never be peace in love.



I think the moral to the above is a simplistic one. If you can not be ok being alone with yourself, then you will never be ok being with anyone else. I think investing time in yourself is vital for your own well being, and helps center you. You have to be ok with yourself before you can be ok with others. You also have to allow people to be whatever it is they are.

You can not live your life for other people, you have to live your life for YOURSELF!

I think we all go thought moments of just trying to understand just what we are and what we are becoming in the grand scheme of this life. Some of us know, others fight the change and the confusion trying to stay the same even though we all know we are changing each and every day of our lives.

No one stays the same. It is imposable, and would you really want to stay the same if you could? As humans we are not built to stagnate in one state of being. We are ment to strive for change, it is what we are all about. It is when we fight the change it becomes painful and depression sets in.

One day you just wake up and realize you've been asleep everyday of your life. In that constant state of "default sleep" like walking around in a fog of illusion and deceptions. Once you awaken? there is no going back to sleep. You seek more and more answers, and strive to see every moment in complete clarity in life as you should have all along.

I am sitting here at 3am having a nice little anxiety attack and just thinking about a lot of things. I think the biggest is just how life works. Each and everyone of us have something in our past that hurts and cuts us to the core. Things that we have buried deep and seemingly locked away.

Sadly not all things seem to stay locked away. No matter how hard we try, they seem to come back time and time again to taunt and hurt us reopening the wounds all over again. Memories that just never seem to die. The one's that wake you up in the dead of night. All the mistakes all the things you wish you could go back and correct or change how you handled. Well you can't go back, what is done is done and you got what you got. It is a cruel fact of this life. Nothing is permanent, nothing is pain free. Most of the most amazing things you will ever go through in this life are the most painful.

You honestly only have two real choices in this life. You can sit and have your little pity party, cry bitch and moan about how unfair life is. Give up and lay down and die, hanging onto a past you can not change and all the pain that comes with it. Or you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off and scream out loud, " No I wont do this to myself anymore". Take what you have learned, what you hold dear and cut out the pain, and just let it all go. Forgive yourself and those who hurt you and just let go. Free yourself of it all. Swear to yourself above all you will never just lay down and die, that you will always fight with every once of your being. Never ever give up on yourself. If you have breath in your body you have a chance to make it. You have the chance to be the best you that you can be. You have the chance to become what you never thought you could be. Find a strength you never thought you had, a courage you never used and a life that has been there waiting for you all along to dive in and realize you survived! You made it, you were not a statistic, and YOU mean more than you could ever possibly imagine.

I will never give up on me! I will not let the hell from my past eat me alive, or define me. I will not pity myself, nor except the pity of others. I survived and became a strong person beyond anything I thought I could have ever hoped to be. No I am not perfect, but I never want to be. I AM ME, and being me? Is the best of all.

I am just as fucked up as everyone else in this sick cold world, but I strive everyday to be more. To give more, to make a difference not just for myself but for people around me. I will never become the demons of my past, I will never give in to this damned depression like I use to so many times before. I am stronger than this! I can do this, I know I can. yes it hurts, but isn't it suppose to? When you clean your soul of the hate and the demons you've battled for years. When you start to let go all the lies you were told, all the labels that were slapped on you? I think yeah it is suppose to hurt and hurt badly. That to is a part of this life we all fight to make it in. To find ourselves and realize what is important.

So here I sit typing talking to myself thinking about my life and realizing it is not so bad. Many others suffered worse and are suffering worse even as I am sitting here typing this out right now. Don't be afraid to let it all go. Sometimes we all need that clean slate, the new start. Crawling on hands and knees to find the way back home. All any of us can do is try.